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I’m sick of feeling so vulnerable.  I’m sick of being scared and sad and angry.  I’m sick of not knowing what I’m going to do in any new situation.  I’m sick of saying I’m sorry for how I’m feeling.  I’m sick of driving him away.  I’m sick of needing him to tell me it’s okay.

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I’ve been writing songs in some form since I was about 13.  I still, to this day, don’t think 98% of them are any good at all, but I want so badly to keep doing it.  It feels so good to write, and to create something based on a story in my life, a feeling I have, or something I’m thinking about.  It makes the moment and the experience feel uniquely mine.  It’s taking me a while to get over the fear of playing my songs for people, but if I can just keep writing I’ll get better and better and more confident to share my love of doing it with the world.

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I vlogged for the first time probably 3 weeks ago…see below…and it was kind of scary.  I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t own video editing software so I did it once, in one take, and it was kind of about nothing, and I said “uh” about seven zillion and twelve times…but I would do it again.

Thinking

This will be the third time I’m writing this…copying it just in case…

I think too much.  It’s really a problem.  Examples:

1) I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half and I’m still terrified to say/do/imply/think/wonder something that will scare him away.

2) I spend my time worrying/complaining/bitching about the current things in my life because I’m worried about what impact it will make on my future (i.e. my job status and income) when I could just be having a good time being 23 years old.

3) I want so badly to be successful in being creative that I expect myself to write a Paul Simon song in one try and then beat myself up for (obviously) not being able to.

4) I compare myself to people in a way that’s really not healthy. I’m a pro at making myself feel inadequate.  I compare myself to my best friends in looks and creativity and success, I compare myself to my boyfriend in intelligence and musical aptitude and songwriting skill, I compare myself to my coworkers in general coolness, and in all categories, I pale in comparison.

It’s so hard for me to not overthink things that it’s becoming a problem in my life, not just for me, but for others.  People can tell.  That scares the crap out of me.  Because if they can see that, what else can they see?